Feb. 9th, 2006

fredsmith: (Default)
It's almost 11:00am. I have spoken about 120 words so far today. I've decided to try keeping count. About 50 were leaving a phone message for someone, so I don't know if that really counts. Is that good? I mean, not GOOD cos I don't think there's rules about this sort of thing, I'm just wondering if I'm normal.

I'm wondering a bit because.. well, of course everyone's always talking in their heads and I lose track sometimes of how much I actually say out loud. Sort of. And also wondering because I sort of wonder sometimes if it's possible that I might have a mild speech impediment but never have noticed because I don't actually talk that much. That's not really possible tho right? I mean, I'm 31. I would have noticed by now. It's just that lately when I DO talk, in court or at lunch, I do find myself lisping sometimes or tripping over words. Of course, those are also slightly stressful situations, where everyone's attention focusses on you, so maybe it's just self-consciousness.

I have also developped this extremely annoying habit of, if I'm not sure I really want to say something, saying it very quietly. Then of course, instead of it just being part of the general conversation, the conversation stops and somebody turns and asks me to repeat what I just said, and everyone's attention is on me, and it's too much pressure and I decide I don't want to say what I said after all so I say 'Oh, no nothing never mind'. I mean once or twice this would be ok, but I do this a lot. It's frequently my only contributuion to a given conversation. It irritates the crap out of even me. I must stop doing that. Either speak louder, don't speak at all, or suck it up and repeat myself.

Finally, I have to admit that for the last few days, I have occassionally made up a couple problems or questions, on work related things, just cos I'm bored and want to talk to someone. This is ridiculous. And tricky, cos the supposed 'question' or 'problem' can't be dumb enough that I look like an idiot. Or too lazy to just go to the library and look it up. And it can't be too esoteric that I'm not going to be able to explain what I mean. I mean, at home, or when I'm off work I can go days at a time without uttering a word. It's not a problem. It's just here at work, sitting by myself in my office all day. And I can HEAR other people in each other's offices having conversations. Which are really probably very very dull conversations but still. That's when I start scheming over what pseudo-legal question I can go seek assistance on. pathetic pathetic. damn.

Does writing in LJ count as talking? I am taking action to at least in theory put communication out there? Maybe not tho, I've also worked on a letter to the Board this morning, and I really don't think that counts.
fredsmith: (Default)
400 words now.
fredsmith: (Default)
Dammit. Out for dinner with Karen and I've totally lost track.

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